#plus I am getting closer to what I need for a Halloween quilt

[bwabbitv3s]

Quilting Progress

For my Christmas quilt I am working I have hit a tiny road bump. I want 100% cotton batting for it, but none of my local stores have it. Which means it is going to take a week for it to come in. Another thing I decide on is what I am doing for the backing. Queen sized flat sheet! Yes, I decided to use that hack for getting a large piece of fabric for the back. Bonus it is super cozy and way cheaper than yardage.

Other thing I did was pulled out the last quilt I had been working on to finish. See it is also a Christmas quilt, but I fell out of love with the fabric combination. I like them all but after sewing the quilt top it just did not look right to me anymore. Which was a huge frustration and left me a bit burnt out on quilting. It was banished to stay in the craft closet till I was ready to deal with it.

Well that was several years ago and the time is now to get that quilt done. I pulled out the quilt top I had finished, gave it a good iron, and did the same to the backing. It still is not quite what I want, but that does not matter as I decided it will become the dogs quilt. Benji is getting his own quilt for Christmas. Which is going to be perfect to throw on the couch to protect it. It also is going to be a great way to get into the groove of quilting to practice finishing his quilt first.

All of this is kinda funny as I have wanted a Christmas quilt for a very long time but never got the project done. Now I am about to go from having no Christmas quilts to two. Plus another that is still in the final planning stage. As some of the fabric I had bought is about 2/3 of what is needed for a quilt. What pattern I will use is still being decided. All this plus the Halloween quilt I have slowly been getting fabric for is almost enough to start working on also. Looks like this fall and winter I will be doing a lot of sewing and quilting.

[supernoondles]

2019

The last day of 2019 was also the day I fainted for the first time--a fitting metaphor for the year.

2019 was overall very emotionally taxing. This year was emotionally defined by falling intensely, deeply in love with someone (who is a very private person so I will try to be vague to respect that) and being in a lot of pain because of situations mostly outside of our control. There were a lot of intensely joyous moments, and a lot of intensely sad ones. Throughout it all I wish I had communicated better. I also made some bad decisions with another person I really loved and cared about that resulted in us growing apart. Do I think I grew from the experiences? For sure. Do I wish I could have come upon these realizations through a different course of action? Also yes. Am I fully healed from the experiences? Not really, but I've been getting better.

2019 was also very bad in terms of research. It was the 2nd year of my PhD. After I submitted my rotation project I basically felt stuck in the swamp of my advisors rejecting new project ideas for like literally half a year. This, combined with my high emotional volatility (partially due to starting birth control), made me really sad, unmotivated, and susceptible to self-blame. I definitely had high expectations for myself and became frustrated at my lack of progress and felt a lot of pressure from myself to get my shit together. I also felt incredibly bad after most advisor meetings and not supported by one of them to the point where I had to have a conversation with him about the lack of support (which was very scary)! Things started picking up, though, near the end of the year. I published a paper in collaboration with a former post-doc/now professor elsewhere whom I learned a lot from, and started finally building out another system. I also started mentoring an undergrad who at some point told me I helped him feel like he had something important to say and belong at Stanford for the first time and those words meant a lot to me. I think I'm continuing to refine what I value as research contributions and increasingly think about what it means to build systems that aren't used outside of the lab to satisfy the annual conference publishing cycle. I'm also starting to feel the pressure of doing work that follows a narrative rather than random projects that interest me.

Oh, I guess in terms of "program requirements," I did finish taking required classes, passed qualifying exams, and got a master's degree. But honestly those weren't hard at all nor do I think are externally valued in the larger research community, so I don't really celebrate them as accomplishments beyond surface level.

In 2019 I saw two different therapists. The first one was awful, I think directly influenced some of my bad decisions, and also didn't respect my gender identity??? The second one is a lot better and I'm grateful to see her, even if 90% of our sessions are just talking about my relationship (romantic/advisor) issues, which is something I want to move away from in the future. But I also feel incredibly privileged when relationship issues are the primary stressors in my life--I am grateful I feel equipped to handle other crap, like deadlines, and don't have to worry about my own health.

Those were the main things that have colored this year. We'll now move into the section of this post where I go through my photos to jog my memory of other events.

New years started a tradition of getting dim sum with Jasper, Matthew, and Michelle dear to my heart. My high school friend was also visiting and we all attended a really awesome new year's eve party. I was also going on a lot of dates and having a lot of good sex, which made me really happy, and at the same time crying all the time at work. In February I received probably the best gift anyone has ever given me and saw Panic! at the Disco, which I said in an end of the year group meeting was a good memory of my year (it was, to relive my scene days!). In March I roadtripped both to Marin (which I had never to been before, despite all my years in the bay) and LA for Wondercon; it was nice to both see high school friends and go on a trip with the boo. In April I went on a hike with my office which was probably the start of us all becoming closer (we are the social office in the wing now, which I take pride in! Also we draw a lot of Pokemon which warms my heart). In May I went to CHI in Glasgow and then to Paris afterward, and the entire experience was very weird and bad and also too many flights were canceled and/or missed and I vowed to not return to Europe for a while, but man do I love the noodles at Trois Fois plus de Piment. In June we hosted a double apartment party with my downstairs neighbors (side note: I am really appreciative of the place I live in, for the community, convenience, and large-ass space and will be really sad to be kicked out fall 2020) and I started a friendship important to me. I cat-sat for my advisor (the one who doesn't make me feel bad) twice. I went to Redwood State Park with my family and hosted a summer solstice celebration. Over the summer a friend I met in Paris back in 2017 moved in with me. I had a much needed escape from the bay to Seattle where I was reminded how abundant the world can be. I also went to Tahoe to celebrate my parents' anniversary, and really liked stumbling upon a smaller lake with a cheap boat rental. Then I became FOMO about the highly competitive Bay Area camping and did a last minute walk-in at Redwood Basin in Santa Cruz, which made me realize that I don't actually love camping (but was nice nonetheless). I ate an expensive meal at Commonwealth before they closed. For my birthday we made a friendship quilt and I served my favorite dish of cumin lamb but it was also 90 degrees in my apartment (I felt really bad and bought two fans afterwards). I started buying many cartoon frog plush after being gifted a $3.99 on sale Safeway frog (called Baby!). I went on Tinder dates (one of which was at a quaker yard sale marketed as Harvest Festival where I got a 1970s Kermit puppet for like $2) that largely went nowhere. My high school friend visited and we were both sad about break ups. I did Inktober before I went to New Orleans for a conference on Bourbon St where everything felt like it was coated in a sticky film of alcohol. I almost missed my flight home because I fell asleep in a sculpture garden but I had the most amazing Uber driver who snaked his way through traffic (oh and the flight was delayed by like 3 hours). I went to kind of embarrassing haunted houses and pumpkin patches over Halloween, but also had the most incredible bowl of ramen at Mensho. My whole office dressed up as Zootopia characters which warmed my furry heart. I spent like $120 on a Pokemon shirt. I started playing Arkham Horror and rekindled another friendship important to me. In November went on a road trip to Big Sur because again, I had to escape it all. For Christmas Eve dinner I roasted a duck for the first time (which was delicious). Shortly after I waited in line for 2 hours for a rollercoaster at Great America, which taught me the value of buying a fast pass because at this point in my life that money is worth it, and then waited 2 hours in line at the DMV to get a RealID (I had made an appointment, which was the fast pass).

Okay, now we move to the hobby section!

I got really into sewing in 2019, having received a sewing machine last Christmas. I made a Judy Hopps (which I wore to CrunchyRoll Expo) and Korok cosplay (Fanime), several unsuccessful garments, a crab bean bag, a dice bag, a fanny pack, and put hearts nipples on a jumpsuit.

Shows! I think I went to way fewer shows this year. The ones I can remember are Elephant Gym, Thom Yorke the night before I had an 8am flight, Carly Rae Jepsen over pride weekend (also, she is my #1 artist of the year, which makes a lot of sense given my emotional space), Mitski at Stern Grove, Capitol Hill Bloc Party (which was super lame, except for Lizzo, where I cried), and the National (which was a fucking surreal experience as they played on Stanford's campus, I was the only one within earshot of myself who knew the words to Crybaby Geeks, and then the white catalog moms came up to me after to thank me for singing the song).

I also started playing my own music! I started playing viola again for the first time in 7 years (lol) in both pop-up concerts with the Awesome Orchestra (one in Golden Gate Park, one at the Exploratorium) and a string quartet through my school. Sometimes I am filled with joy and delight. Other times interpersonal tensions run high and also I am very bad at being in tune. It's life.

Media! I really liked Mob Psycho 100 Season 2 and Beastars. I feel like those were the only notable anime I watched this year? I saw the Farewell three times--first in Seattle where I sobbed for like 1 hour after the movie, the second time with my parents, and the third where Awkwafina was present for a Q&A. I thought Parasite was incredible and Promare was OK. I have spent an unfortunately large amount of my time playing Pokemon Masters. I finally beat BOTW and completed my Pokedex in Shield like 2 weeks after getting the game.

Resolutions! In my draft of my 2018 end of year post (which I never polished and posted, sorry), I said my resolutions were 1. come out to my parents 2. draw enough to table at an anime con 3. be disciplined about paper reading and have a doc. I did none of these things!!! However, for 1, I feel like I am well equipped to have this conversation but am waiting for my sibling to do it first out of respect. 2 was just bad. I barely drew this year except for gifts. 3 was okay--I did have a large doc in the beginning of the year when I was looking for ideas, but as time went on I abandoned it (I also stopped reading papers, which I don't think you're supposed to do as a grad student...)

My resolutions this year are phrased as intentions (-(c) Matthew). They span several categories. Relationships: I want to open myself to and actively seek experiences of love, because I miss that. That being said, I will only date someone if 1. they have their life together 2. they love themselves and 3. they challenge me to grow. (I do think you can experience love without dating; the thing I'm after is love in an expansive sense.) Work: I want to do enough work so I don't feel guilty about not doing enough work, and also not berate myself for taking a long time to do things. Hobbies: I want to sew at least one thing a month. Chinese: I want to improve my Chinese, especially pronunciation.

Having written this 20 days into 2020, it's not been so bad so far. But I was also really happy in the beginning of 2019. Here's to no global maxima, a monotonically increasing year!

[delicrieux]

monster mash [ richie tozier(implied) x reader ]

summary: richie asks (name) to the halloween dance

words: 1 278

a/n: this is written for @superwolfiestar ‘s “Beauty and the Beast Halloween prompt challenge”! i’m so sad i couldn’t make it for the first days (i was too busy), but now i finally have a moment to spare so here it is. i love the losers club in a completely platonical way, so i don’t want to put explisit romance. just kids being kids. i thought it was cute. this is day 3 and prompt costume. also, i’ve taken inspiration from this . starting quote from a.carter

MASTERLIST KO-FI. 7K GIFT!

Nights of October, of frail sickle moons, when the earth conceals the shinning accomplice of assassins in its shadow, to make everything all the more mysterious. The nights swallow the day in the blink of an eye; the walk to school and back is long and tedious and you often, on such cold and eerie evenings of stillness, find yourself turning a corner away from your home to knock on Richie Toziers door.

You are afraid of the dark, of the vast unknown that lies in it; the contours of Derry seem to blur when the sun hides behind the horizon, only twinkling stars and pale street lights shinning the way home. Choir practice always takes so long, it eats up your day and you only leave when it’s already dark. You sleep with a night-light on – why? Shouldn’t kids your age be free of night terrors? You aren’t, and why exactly you can’t recall. So with your backpack strapped over your shoulder, lean arms hugging your jacket closer as you watch smoke manifest from your breath, in a quick pace you turn to Richie’s house until your parents can come pick you up from work.

Richie never minds. In fact, on rare occasions when he doesn’t feel like being a complete dick he actually smiles and informs you that he made cocoa, instead of simply saying ‘Hey, (Name)!’. His house is always a bit chilly, and wordless, after you drop your bag by the door and it clicks shut, you bee line up the stairs to his room. He brings you a quilt from downstairs and the two of you spend the time in the warmness of real wool and pleasantries of bitching about Henry and his gang of sickos.

“I’m excited.” You say as you blow onto your drink; you hold the ceramic cup in your palms and it burns the skin, almost in a tickling way, “Halloween is just around the corner.”

“Don’t you mean Hellopeen?”

You give him a look, but don’t say anything – this is Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier after all, and Richie would not be Richie if he didn’t say a dick joke every two to three minutes (occasionally – seconds), “I mean,” You tilt your head upwards, lick your bottom lip and taste the lasting cooling drops of cocoa from them. Your gaze flies around his room in thought, “Aren’t you?”

“Well…” He scratches his head, “What’s the word for when you’re like horny but not in a sexual way, like I’m horny for Halloween but I don’t want to fuck a pumpkin, you know?”

You blink, “Richie, I think the word you’re looking for is also ‘excited’. And, I can tell why. Last year you were having a field day picking out a costume and tricking small kids into giving up their candy.”

“Excuse me – tricking?!” He exclaims over-dramatic, “Lies and deceit. Also, that wasn’t me. That was Mr. Give-Me-Your-Fucking-Candy. Ancient curse. Heard he only comes out on Halloween night to spook the easily spookable.”

You giggle, “I clearly recall you telling a kid his mother didn’t love him.”

Richie shrugs, “It was probably true, too.”

There is a brief pause and your carefree smile falls. Perhaps reciting that memory wasn’t the best idea, after all, Richie’s own relationship with his mother is not the best. He didn’t talk about it often, if at all, but everyone in Derry pretty much already knew. Trying to shy away from the subject as quickly as possible, you perk “So!” You say, a bit too enthusiastic and he jerks, “I was thinking we could do matching costumes.”

There is an unusually long pause, at least unusually long for Richie Tozier as he stares at you unblinking and with really no thought in mind. Finally, slowly, almost mechanically he slides his glasses up his nose and is about to say something but you cut him off, “Wow, Richie Tozier being quiet for five secs straight?”

Richie bounces back immediately with a snort, “Secs…”

“Richie!”

“Ugh, alright, fine, let’s…let’s do matching costumes…or whatever…” He mumbles the last part into his drink, staring somewhere over your shoulder the whole time. You nod happily and fall back into his bed, hunched over the cocoa with a safe cocoon around you. The happy, though soft, grin soon falls from your face as you glance out the window – pitch black, like a blank screen that reflects ghostly forms of you and him, enriched by the lamp light. You then look at the clock, 8:30 am., and wonder when will your parents arrive to retrieve you. After you get home there is a pile of homework to be done, then you’ll need to braid your hair for the night so it would turn into Hollywood curls while you sleep, brush your teeth, update your diary on today’s events. You already see it: Dear Diary, today Richie succumbed under pressure and we will get matching costumes for Halloween. Not sure of what yet, but it’s going to be a fucking hoot! Also, Shelly stole my—

“(Name)?” His voice weavers and for a heart stopping moment you thought Bill is in the room and you forgot to say hello; your eyes shoot to the bedroom door but it remains closed, untouched. You then look at him and your heart does a pleasant little jump of surprise. Richie had put his cup down, glanced away a couple of time with a hint of nervousness reflecting from his thick glasses. He suddenly springs into action; the chair he sat on squeaks and rolls a few steps back. He plops down next to you and your drink dots the flat of your hand, but doesn’t spill any further. “So, like, it’s not a big deal or anything, but if we’re going to be in matching costumes, does that mean…We’re going to the Monster Mash at school?” He finishes with a high note, one that would imply hope if you paid closer attention.

Your brows knit together, “Monster Mash?” You recite. He nods. You give him a gentle smile, “Oh, of course not! I know you hate it, so—“

“Oh yeah, totally hate it, it’s for chumps.” He hurriedly agrees, “But, if you want to- I mean, since we’re already…going to be together in…costumes, I—“ He gulps, “Wouldn’t mind taking my main bitch out.”

“Richie…” You give him a tired look.

“What?! I’m serious!” He defends, “If you want to go I’ll take you.”

“But only couples go to the Monster Mash…” You trail off, “That, and, well,” You grin, “chumps.”

Richie gulps, “Yeah, so? Like, I totally do not want to go, but if you want to I guess I can grant you this one wish this one time.” He crosses his arms over his chest and shrugs, inspecting the hole in his jeans right at the side of his knee, “It’s not like I have anything better to do, plus you always wanted to go, so—“

“Okay.” You say.

He whips his head to you so fast you wonder how he didn’t get whiplash, “Really!? I-I mean, yeah, cool.” He nods, “But I will not like being there with you. At all.”

A light blush pinches your cheeks and with a soft smile you glance at your drink; there is sudden warmth within you, and for some strange reason you doubt it has anything to do with the delicious cocoa or the quilt hugging your shoulders. Thinking now, all your plans you had in mind to do once you returned home, one specifically stood out. You’ll have to drastically fix the starting sentence of the newest entry.

Dear Diary, I tricked Richie into taking me to the Monster Mash.

end.